


Dear John

by Dearly_Divided



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Epistolary, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:34:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22844905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dearly_Divided/pseuds/Dearly_Divided
Summary: After moving away from Hope County and the traumas she faced there, Rook writes letters to John.
Relationships: Female Deputy | Judge/John Seed
Comments: 16
Kudos: 50





	Dear John

**Author's Note:**

> This was a bit of angsty experimentation before part 2 of Dearest, Darling, Dead comes out. Hope you guys like it!

Dear John,

Is it strange that the world didn’t end?

It feels like it sometimes - I look out the window and everybody's just going about their day to day lives as if nothing has changed because nothing _has_ changed - at least not for them. I spent months fighting you, fighting Joseph and I knew that every word out of his mouth was a lie but I-

Well… I guess there might have been some part of me that understood the insanity that your brother spoke. Both of them, actually. Every day it felt like we were building to something huge and utterly catastrophic. Even at the end, part of me thought…

But it didn’t. Nothing happened.

Life went on.

I moved out of Hope County - there was no way on god’s green earth that I could stay there after something like that. I still talk to some of the others, hell, Nick and Kim came up last week to visit, and it was nice. Nice to have my friends at my side without worrying about either one of us dying. Little Carmina is adorable and I have pledged her my life. Hopefully she won’t need it now.

The rational part of me knew that the Collapse was a myth, a carefully constructed lie meant to prey on the weak and the scared, but sometimes I look outside the window and I half expect to see the world on fire. At least that would have made sense.

I have a new job, a new house, new friends… but it feels wrong. It feels like I’m living in somebody else’s life. After everything that I saw and all that I did I don’t know how to go back to being normal.

Is this punishment? I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff with one foot over the edge just _waiting_ for something to happen… but nothing does, and every day is the same and I hate it.

~~Did I make a mistake?~~

I don’t know how to fix this.

I know you won’t ever read this, but who else can I talk to?

\- Rook

***

Dear John,

Someone at work this week found out who I was.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but we were talking and all of a sudden he got this look in his eyes, a glint of recognition and he grinned like he’d just won the lottery.

‘Hey, you’re the chick who fought against that crazy religious murder cult in Montana, right?’

Crazy religious murder cult. Hadn’t heard that one before.

I never deliberately went out of my way to hide my past, but I guess I never volunteered the information either, and the way he looked at me I just- I felt like suddenly I was an animal at the zoo with everybody gawking at me.

I wanted to disappear.

He kept asking all these questions about what it was like to face off against a religious nutter - his words, not mine - and he wasn’t rude, a little oblivious and brash maybe, but I felt so uncomfortable. He could make jokes and talk about it like it was some kind of cool action adventure, but I can’t do that.

So many people died, John. They died because of me, because of my actions.

And he thought it was cool.

I guess for him it was easy to see me as the lone hero and you and your family as the bad guys. The hero won in the end, so what does it matter the cost?

It wasn’t so black and white in the end, was it?

I still dream about that night and every time I’m standing there in front of that church and every time I hear this voice in my head that tells me I’m making the _wrong_ choice.

But I can’t turn back time now. I can’t fix the mistakes that I made.

Maybe I wasn’t the hero in the end.

\- Rook

***

Dear John,

Part of me feels stupid writing letters that’ll never be read, but here we are.

I thought about going home today, back to my little cottage in Fall’s End - I’m sure you remember it. Sharky called me today and casually brought it up. I just barely made it through the conversation before bursting into tears. Hope County was home for such a long time. It was so beautiful - it almost didn’t seem real. It’s funny, I thought people were exaggerating when they called Montana the Treasure State, going on and on about the sky and the mountains, but I guess it’s something you have to see to believe.

Was that why Joseph chose it? He could have gone anywhere in the country to start his cult, and he chose there.

The moment I laid eyes on it, I fell in love.

I miss it, John. I miss Hope County every goddamn day.

But I know I can’t go back.

I tell myself that it’s because of what happened. I’ll always be the Deputy to those people - they’re always going to look at me and remember all the shit that went down.

And it’s true - I could never go back to being just a regular Deputy breaking up drunken brawls and domestic disturbances, not there, but it’s more than that.

I can’t go back home because all I see is **you**. Which makes me so mad because you barely left that fucking bunker of yours and yet every step I take back there I feel you over my shoulder!

Of course, it’s not just you. I can’t be in the mountains without seeing Jacob and even with the Bliss long gone Faith still hangs over the Henbane.

Part of me wants to be furious because even though you lost you still managed to take my home from me, but what’s the point in being angry?

You always were so quick to criticise my wrathful tendencies.

I can’t go back to Hope County, John, and I feel lost and aching everywhere else. Where am I supposed to go now? What am I supposed to do?

\- Rook

***

Dear John,

Fuck you, fuck your brothers and while we’re at it, fuck your sister too.

Everyone would have been so much goddamned simpler if you’d just tried to kill me instead of fucking well converting me. Joseph never shut up about the role I was supposed to play.

What fucking role was that? What good did it do?

I hate you and everything you stood for.

\- Rook.

***

Dear John,

I think I’m broken.

I honestly don’t know whether Jacob would be proud or disappointed in that.

I don’t know why I care.

\- Rook.

***

Dear John,

Sorry I haven’t written in a while - not like it matters really, you’ll never read them.

I’ve been seeing a therapist, one of the girls at work recommended her. She works with victims of trauma, kids mostly, but adults too.

At first I felt weird because I don’t think of what happened as trauma. It was bad, yes, but for some reason I keep trying to minimize it. I came out the other side still standing - healthy and mostly whole, and I only have nightmares on really bad nights… surely that’s not trauma.

According to my therapist, being at the forefront of the fighting in an ‘active war zone’ almost definitely counts as a traumatic experience. Who knew?

I haven’t told her everything… not about Jacob and Eli and that stupid song. I don’t think I can explain to her that while I feel guilty and so angry about Eli’s death… it doesn’t make what happened afterwards any better.

I want her to stop seeing me as the victim. I made choices - they made things worse.

I haven’t told her that I tried to save you all. Jacob wouldn’t have let me off that mountain without ending it one way or the other, Faith… Faith stopped fighting when she realised what would happen if she survived and you…

Fuck, John. I spent hours trying to save you.

Did you think I wanted you dead? I loved you. I fought so fucking hard to keep you from dying, to save you so that we could go and ride off into the goddamned sunset together.

I hate you for dying.

I hate myself for it more.

\- Rook

***

Dear John,

I want to go back.

I’d do things differently this time around.

\- Rook.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! If you did please consider leaving some kudos or comments? 💖


End file.
